Hyphen-Nation

Muskegon's (Four time nominee, Sphincter City, USA) Gaza Strip -Broken City by the Lake -

Many years ago, in early renaissance Europe, hyphenated last names signified the co-joining (usually through a marriage contract) of powerful/influential merchant families. In more recent times the hyphenated name has taken on many meanings: old money,important lineage, etc... More currently, a hyphen is used (in marriages, civil unions) to indicate that one life partner retains name/identity, and is a co-equal participant in the conduct of family business. However, there are a few speculations that might be addressed about hyphenating names:

Do we have any old, powerful, influential double-named merchant families here in Muskegon?

Do we NEED old, hyphenated, powerful, influential double-named merchant families in Muskegon? Maybe we do! It'd give us something to brag about. "Yo, Grand Haven, we have more hyphenated families than you! Nah-Nah Nah Nah-Nah!"

What's with all this anyway? Some last names are a mouthful to begin with and to add another...Is this an ego-thing for those who just want to hear themselves addressed publicly, "Hey, Ryznecovic-Herzogathana! How are you this morning?"

Would you hate to be behind such a hyphen sporting person in the line ahead of you while they brandish their credit card (a full three-quarters of an inch longer than yours)and sign their unnaturally longish name?

Are hyphenated names part of a cruel joke, meant merely to confuse the dyslexic? Or, is this part of a criminally clever ruse to get witnesses to contradict themselves in court?

How does one decide which names shall trail behind the hyphen? Does this denote, not co-equality, but a lesser, more submissive role in the life-partner arrangement?

Are hyphenated names, in reality, un-mutual and (gasp) un-democratic?

What about polygamystic Mormons, who, in pretending to old respectability, decide to hyphenate the names of the husbands and the all the wives, over sixteen? How would that work out? (My God, what would their credit cards look like? Assuming Mormons use credit cards).

Then we have those who have two last names but lack the pedigree of the hyphen:

Do they secretly yearn for the hyphen, if just for the symbolic mantle signifying lineage, old money, influence?

Or, are these folks, who have, somehow, lost the hyphen (maybe due to to something similar to that strange linguistic disease that burdened the Welsh with a plethora of consonants)?

Are these, double-named people closet hyphenators? (Do they secretly aspire to be Pope?)

History, I suspect, may show those possessing double last names (or their forebears), whether sporting a hyphen or not, have probably spent a portion of their lives mining the poor

Or are they part of a secret army of of hyphenated name holders, infiltrating the Midwest, pretending to be normal? ("Muskegon today; tomorrow the world!").

Do you suppose there are rules for becoming hyphenated? Is there, somewhere (maybe in Pentwater) a college of heraldic hyphenation who convene and pour through the ancient and arcane scrolls and bound texts to establish legitimacy for hyphen applicants?

So, in the end, what the hell is with this two-last-name trend among the yuppies?
Let's give them a hyphen and maybe they'll float away.